How to become a trillionaire: A twelve step guide to attain cosmic wealth

Working hard, saving money, and being financially responsible are so last century. Today, if you want to join the ranks of the globe’s trillionaires, you’ll need unshakable confidence, a suspicious amount of hype, and a perfect straight-arm salute.

Remember: Reality is optional when your valuation is conceptual.

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Step 1: Invent something nobody needs (but everyone buys)

Forget the cure for cancer, focus on AI-powered smart mirrors that rate your outfit and your life choices. If you can say “blockchain-enabled” with a straight face, you’re halfway to a Series A.

Step 2: Accidentally start a space programme

Buy one rocket on eBay, call yourself a private space entrepreneur and suddenly NASA’s jealous. When your spaceship explodes, just say, “That was a learning experience.”. Failure is the new success, especially when it trends.

Step 3: Rebrand procrastination as innovation

Why delay when you can “operate in stealth mode”? Ignore deadlines. Disappear for nine months. Let everyone think you’re dead. Then re-emerge with a vague press release and a new haircut. Boom, visionary!

Step 4: Promise to save the planet... later

Announce your eco-friendly invention: A self-charging car that runs on “renewable ambition.” Collect deposits. Spend profits launching your climate-busting yacht called The Greenwash.

Step 5: Tweet like a Bond villain with ADHD

It’s not chaos, it’s engagement strategy. Post riddles, memes, and existential dread. If your stock price moves 30% in either direction, you’re doing it right.

Step 6: Sell hope (as a subscription)

Forget building products, build belief. Launch Tomorrow™, the first lifestyle brand for people who think the future just needs better marketing. Hope as a Service (HaaS).

Step 7: Clone yourself for better productivity

Who needs a team when you can legally question the limits of biology? Work-life balance? Please. You’ve got clones for that.

Step 8: Colonise something

Mars, too cliché? Try the Cloud. Your slogan: “Where humans and data coexist — finally.” Remember, the less practical it sounds, the more visionary it feels.

Step 9: Monetise inner peace

Introduce ZenCoin, the currency that appreciates as your ego deflates. Offer £250,000 “digital mindfulness retreats” where participants learn to breathe through their wallets.

Step 10: Create an app that does everything

It doesn’t matter what it does. It matters that it could. OmniMe™ - one app to rule your life, your finances, your Dogecoin, your soul. Get acquired before launch – or maybe lunch.

Step11: Replace yourself with AI (then take credit)

Let an AI write your tweets, run your business, and make your coffee. When people ask, “Are you even real?” respond, “Define real.” Congratulations, you’re both the future and the problem.

Step 12: Stage a fake alien invasion

Fear equals funding. Once humanity panics, launch PlanetShield™, your subscription-based UFO defence network. The beauty? No one can prove it doesn’t work.

Final word

You’ve read this far, which means you’re 97% ready to be a trillionaire. The last 3%? A catchy slogan, a private island, and a willingness to say “this changes everything” about anything.

Now go forth, future moneybags, and remember: If it’s ethical, it’s probably not scalable.

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